Dispute Resolution Theory, Thai Culture, and Expectations of a "Farang" Spouse or Boyfriend.

Rugged Individualism versus People Concerned About their Role in the Collective Well-being of Family

I plan to retire to Thailand in the summer of 2020.  My weekly treatments with a talented Thai massage therapist, Mena, have suddenly involved language lessons and cultural translations over our two hour sessions together.

Today, we skipped the language lessons.  Instead, I raised a question arising from my look at the postings on various Thai-related Facebook groups.  Male-dominated groups regularly discuss relationships with Thai women, both spouses and girlfriends.  I'll spare you the seedier details.

One recent post, by a thoughtful 72-year old Western man, asked whether "farang" men had a hard time getting their Thai spouses or girlfriends to open up emotionally.  He had studied and written books about relationships, and so came at the topic with a scholar's curiosity.

I asked Mena what she thought in response to the question.  I have known Mena for over three years.  Our relationship has opened as she has felt more comfortable sharing aspects of her life.  She has three kids, a very ill father, a mother, sister, brother, and other family members that she supports. Mena agreed that a family member who takes care of many family members is respected.   He or she has higher status because of his or her financial ability and generosity.

Mena had two lines of thought.  First, Thai women are encouraged to form relationships with "farang" men, aka, "upcountry," aka European, American, or Australian men.  In general, these men earn so much more than the typical Thai whose monthly earnings seem to be about $350.  The pressure can be quite great on Thai women to marry a man "who can take care of you," and mixed race kids are welcome as "so cute."

Second, a farang man -- who does marry a Thai or has a Thai girlfriend -- often fails to understand that, under Thai culture, he has now also assumed a duty to support her family. Instead, he sees his duty as extending only to his immediate family or relationship.

A man coming from a Western tradition will either miss the obligation or resent it, depending on his resources, values, and desires. Western men, imbued with the values of rugged individualism, will not always understand the other-oriented nature of Thai culture.

Geert Hofstede was an early examiner of various cultural dimensions, many of which can be a source of conflict when people or groups from different cultural systems interact.

One of the six dimensions he describes is individualism versus collectivism.

Individualism vs. collectivism (IDV): This index explores the “degree to which people in a society are integrated into groups.” Individualistic societies have loose ties that often only relate an individual to his/her immediate family. They emphasize the “I” versus the “we.” Its counterpart, collectivism, describes a society in which tightly-integrated relationships tie extended families and others into in-groups. These in-groups are laced with undoubted loyalty and support each other when a conflict arises with another in-group.

While I last looked at his data as an LL.M. student in 2002, I can safely say that most Asian cultures are highly collective.  Most Western cultures are highly individualist.

So back to the FB poster's question.  No, Thai women will not show much emotion.  As Mena said, "They will say: Ok. Ok. Ok," even when things are not OK with them. As family caretakers, they put their needs on hold, until they can't.  Then, they explode.

Hmmn.  More ADR theory to apply.  This time the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument.  So, Thai women are taught to be Accomodators?  Twos on the enneagram until they are fed up and have an angry outburst at 8?

But, interestingly, Thai men learn to interpret more subtle cues from Thai women about their emotional state and needs.  Western men, on the other hand, may miss them.

I will hold this lesson gently until I have the time to learn more about Thai culture.  In the meantime, I am thankful to know Mena.